Overcoming Crises In Marriage (I)
Crises are difficult and overwhelming experiences.
Crises are not impossible difficulties, but the situation become disastrous when people do not what to do or how to overcome them.
Challenges in marriage are relative and vary from one family to another.
However, there are fundamental truth about life as revealed in he word of God that must be understood if couples are going to lead a blissful and successful marriage.
This truth is not a tip to a wonderful marriage. It is more than a tip. It is the truth that when applied both internal and external challenges that betide our marriage will become stepping stones to breakthroughs in our homes.
#The first thing we must understand is that Crises Are Normal To Marriage In Life.
The world we live in is an imperfect world, crises are facts of life because we live in an imperfect world. If this is the reality we are faced with, then the problem is no longer a problem, the problem is how we as individual see the problem. The issue now is our perception. How do you perceive it?
An average man does not see things the way they are, he sees things the way he is. How do you see the challenge that confronts you in life, business, marriage? This goes a long way to determine what approach you will give to it, how long you stay in that situation, the outcome of the challenges, and it also reveals to your world the quality of your life as it shows in the way the situation is handled.
When challenges hit our marriage, our DNA, mindset, experience, belief system forms the glasses we wear and this determines how we perceive the problem. This becomes a new challenge because there is a possibility that the crisis is not rightly perceived. And so we need to be very careful because the way we see a crisis determines how it empowers us.
How do you see that problem?
It is our approach to crises determines if we are going to stand out.
Take a little time to identify the problem. It doesn’t take long to get to the root of a matter if quality time, though short can be devoted, the issue will open up on its own. It will be unfolded as you interpret it.
To identify means to interpret it. If you cannot interpret it you have not identified it. An adage says,”when a man stays long in the dark room, very soon he will begin to see light”. Once the cause of the problem is identified, the next thing to do is to define the problem.
Interpretation is what determines definition. Once you have correct interpretation to the problem, go ahead and define it in a way it will empower you to solve it. The truth is there is nothing you are going through that is new, 1Corinthian.10:13.
It may be new to you, but it was someone else’s experience. Define it; solutions are already provided by others in their testimonies. Look for those possible solutions by asking the right questions. Itemize possible solutions and Apply your solutions.
David perceived Goliath differently, 1 Samuel 17:25-27 (KJV)
25 And the men of Israel said, have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father’s house free in Israel. 26 And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? 27 And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.
The meaning you give to a problem must be such that empowers you.
Perception determines projection.
Joseph perceived the drought differently, Genesis 45:4-8 (KJV)
4 And Joseph said unto his brethren, Come near to me, I pray you. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. 5 Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life. 6 For these two years hath the famine been in the land: and yet there are five years, in the which there shall neither be earing nor harvest. 7 And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. 8 So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt.
Outstanding People are those who solve outstanding problems.
They control crises. There is no crisis-free zone in life. Marital crises have the potential to make a dwarf or a giant out of anyone in marriage. The outcome of our marriage is determined by the approach we give to it.
#Secondly, lack of knowledge about the person we call our spouse is the bane of crises in the home.
Do you know a man? Do you know a woman? Do you know the physiology of a woman or that of a man? What can you tell about the emotional make up of your spouse? It might be deeper than you think. You may think you love your spouse, possibly not, until you take a study on your spouse. How possible is it for you to love a person you do not know too well? The point is Understand Your Spouse.
Why does s/he behave the way s/he does?
A number of things could contribute to that.
Many things have formed the thought pattern of that wo/man or that man.
The DNA of your spouse, the Experience, Knowledge forming his / her Mindset that make up his/her belief system. You cannot separate your spouse from the DNA of the parents. Those who raised him/er from childhood. All these contributed to his/er behavior. Everyone One’s Past is Imposed on His/her Present, including your spouse.
It will be wrong of you to think you can change him/her overnight. It is simply a dream to think you can get that done even in one year. Your spouse is not a machine. The Change you are looking for might take a longer time than you think, that is even if it is possible at al as it is subject to your spouse’s consent. But I know for sure, you can change yourself to start with after which you begin to see obvious changes in your spouse. You change yourself to effect a change in a system. That change starts with you.
You are expected to respect your partner’s view of the world. S/he is human and not machine. Learned as you are. Respect his/her model of the world.
You Must Respect His/Her Views, Model of The World. She had options before she came for you.
Rebecca was asked if she was willing to go marry Isaac, Genesis 24:56-59 (KJV)
56 And he said unto them, Hinder me not, seeing the Lord hath prospered my way; send me away that I may go to my master. 57 And they said, We will call the damsel, and enquire at her mouth. 58 And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go. 59 And they sent away Rebekah their sister, and her nurse, and Abraham’s servant, and his men.
Understand his/her background …visit the family without notice. I believe you know the reason for that. That will communicate a useful message to you. I mean it. What do they believe in their family, will this affect you in any way or is it some thing you think you can put up with?
Is it an extended family where they all live together and they saw nothing wrong in it? As this gives you an idea of what you should be expecting in your future home, except you desire a change that you must work at?
Do they all eat from the same plates and they enjoyed it? Do they respect one another’s privacy or not? How was your spouse raised in the family?
Was your spouse’ birth position in the family respected or not? I have heard some women say, they would not allow their daughters to get married to last born because they believe last child in the family is usually over pampered. Does this really matter?
Is it a family where the younger is celebrated above the older as this could affect the psych of the one who believes she was not treated well. This happens a lot.
Check out his/her cycle of friends. Probe, find out. Area of interest.
These will help to understand the make up of your spouse. You cannot take the DNA of the parents from the children.
These will help to understand the reasons why your spouse behaves the way s/he behaves as everyone’s past is superimposed on his/er present.
Proverbs 23:7 (KJV)
7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:
Your character formation begins with a thought
You are your dominant thoughts
You and your words are the same.
If you think it, you will say it, if you say it you will do it. Your Actions…will show it
What you do over a period of time is your habit…
Your habit over a period of time becomes your character
Your habitual practices form your character
#Thirdly, Understand Your Roles In Marriage and Take Responsibility
Marriage is a team work. No one can marry himself or herself. To view marriage in the correct perspective and not from a warped mindset , marriage is between a man and a woman as ordained by God who is their witness, and author of their marriage.
Romans 1:26-28 (KJV)
26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: 27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. 28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
“God let them follow their own evil desires. Women no longer wanted to have sex in a natural way, and they did things with each other that were not natural. Men behaved in the same way. They stopped wanting to have sex with women and had strong desires for sex with other men. They did shameful things with each other, and what has happened to them is punishment for their foolish deeds. Since these people refused even to think about God, he let their useless minds rule over them. That’s why they do all sorts of indecent things.”
Romans 1:26-28 CEVDCUS06
Matthew 19:4-6 (KJV)
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
The male is provider for the family…
“Tell all this to everyone, so they will do the right thing. People who don’t take care of their relatives, and especially their own families, have given up their faith. They are worse than someone who doesn’t have faith in the Lord.” 1 Timothy 5:7-8 CEVDCUS06.
Provide food, clothing, shelter, ..basic things of life..
He is the Leader of The Family providing directions for the entire family for as long as they stay until appointed times.
The husband is supposed to be the Prophet of The Family he sees and hears from God on behalf of the family. He envisages what could happen and he moves into actions before others get to know about it. It is his responsibility so there is no reason he should take pride in that, though he can be appreciated by others. He foresees a need and he reaches out to meet it before that need arrives. Real men do this.
Husband as the Priest of The Family handles devotion at home, leads it and shows others to do it. He brings the family closer to God.
It is not only food that he provides for the family, the marriage will be full of crises if family members are walls apart not knowing God. Spiritual, physical, emotional provision, he should provide for the family.
Wife is help meet. She cannot carry the load of the family. No, she is not wired for that, something will go wrong. It is a matter of time.
The wife is very best and sweet companion that offers supports, advice but doesn’t impose them.She is not like that woman outside the wedlock. What she offers at home is the best and cannot be substituted for.
For a wife is the home builder. She uses the authority of her husband to build the home. Where there are challenges the husband shows the way.
See what the wisest man who ever lived said
“Every wise woman buildeth her house:but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” Proverb14:1.
This is how it is ordained by God. If you share the responsibility, then you must also share the authority. But God has confirmed that man is the head of the home.
#The man inherited the father in law’s responsibility over his daughter the day God gave her to him to be his wife. So when this happens, by default, whatever the wife owns in the marriage automatically becomes the husband’s, the same goes for the two of them. As a team you win the trophy together.
This is scriptural standard that must be maintained. It should be upheld.
You may not have the sufficiency now as the man to make all these provisions available to your family, but you must have the mentality.
#Roles don’t change in marriage, but we can overlap into each other’s responsibilities because we are now a team. Be concerned about your spouse’s concerns.
Identify Your Values in Marriage And Appreciate Them.
Values are those things one considers very important in life. Those things you believe are important in the way you live and work.
They should determine your priorities, and, deep down, they are probably the measures you use to tell if your life is turning out the way you desire.
There are important things we can refer to as family values. What your spouse considers to be of extreme importance, not only to herself/ himself but also to the family.
Some persons, in their marriage, value landed property: land, houses in beautiful environment; comfortable and nice car, respect for one’s opinion, good and quality education, personal development, spiritual maturity, fidelity, transparency and so on. Because One man’s like is another man’s dislike. Some other people may value gold chain…clothing…what I am saying is that we must learn to respect each other’s values. In a situation where a value is considered more beneficial to the family, it should be a common goal to the couple to achieve without leaving others unattended to if you have the means as this helps for transparency sake.
There are personal values that must not be swept under the carpet. Look at then together and appreciate your spouse’s values within the means available.
I believe these values pointed out to us in the word of God will help build a home, a very successful marriage that mirrors what heaven looks like.
Couple should think on the highlighted words in the passage of the scriptures given below adapt them into your relationships.
1 Peter 2:25 – 3:13 (KJV)
25 For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.( not intimidated, frightened, unanxious) MSG, CUDUIOS.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. (Inheritance )
10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.
13 And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?
Proverbs 19:14 (KJV)
14 House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord.
Proverbs 13:22 (KJV)
22 A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.
You can see from the word things we can value if not all are mentioned in the passage above, these will still suffice for a successful marriage.
Pastor Olanrewaju6 Posts
is a branch pastor with Testimony Chapel International, Lagos. Prior to and after joining TCI in 2002, living in Ibadan and Lagos, Remilekun Chris Olanrewaju developed a career in various positions in engineering, sales and business management, academic institution and The Gospel Ministry to fulfill his calling. He has served as account manager, team leader, technologist, part time lecturer in Yabatech, and he is executive director with Wallace Bee International Ltd. He equally serves as both pastor and member of Board of Directors in TCI. Remi has HND in Engineering from Yaba College of Technology, Nigeria (2003) and MBA from Ladoke Akintola University of Technology, Ogbomoso, (2010). He is a certified member of ISMM, UK, and NIM (Certified). He graduated from World of Faith Bible Institute, WOFBI, Lagos (2001), SOD from RCCG, and obtained PGD in theology from RCBC, Mowe (2010). He coordinates a platform that brings healing to family life on twitter: Marriage Without Tears. He is married to his darling wife Oyindamola Olanrewaju and God has blessed their marriage with two children.